VP Debate and my Life

The VP debate was two nights ago (I think...), so I just wanted to record my thoughts for posterity's sake. I'm really not all that concerned with the politics of the debate...because its just two people who don't really have any decision making capabilities talking about issues that have already been talked about - and their views on those issues dont even matter because that's not the VPs job.

Palin is so dumb that I actually feel bad. Aside from the fact that it seemed like she had memorized lines that she tried to fit in wherever she could, she dodged a lot of questions...and when she DID answer questions, her opinions sucked. And so did her comeback. Palin, "don't cha know" isn't a come back...especially not in your goofy accent.

A note to both candidates: I can see why you wouldn't support gay marraige. I know that there are a lot of personal reasons that you wouldn't support it. But your reasons are just that - PERSONAL. Your personal reasons should not dictate my personal life. I'm not saying that you should support gay marraige, but I am saying that you shouldn't oppose it. We're told to seperate church and state; what more are your personal views then just a form of your religious ones? When a matter is between you and God or you and your conscience, it should be seperate from public law. An ammendment to define marraige as between one man and one woman is just not OK - it's unconstitutional on so many levels that I won't even get into it. If we want to play with the Constitution, though, we should recognize that it leaves issues such as gay marraige up to the states.

Ok. That's the end of my rant.

I miss camp a lot. That's all.

Obviously, I'm not going to delete it, but I regret my last post. I was pretty shallow. That feeling lasted until I posted the blog and got it out of my system. I'm back to being head-over-heals for VGBF. He's coming to visit me in a few months. I'm very happy.

He and I talked again yesterday and today, and it was just nice and nonthreatening conversation. We just talked. It was awesome.

On to school:
I hate it. I want to leave.
My ideal situation would be to go to medical school in the UK, which means finishing this application, taking the UKCAT (which costs $170 and is a 2 hour drive from me), finding someone to write me a letter of recommendation, and then GETTING IN.
More likely situations include going to community college for resp. therapy or paramedicine OR staying in this shit hole.

WTF. Seriously?

Ok. So I hate college. I hate the people, and the place. I want to leave. But where do I go? I want to go to school in England, but I'm apparantly underqualified (which I think is a misunderstanding of the American educational system) and I don't have the money but I NEED to get out of here. Thegoddamn test that I'd need to take to even apply is like $170. Kill me.

And my VGBF is being a douche. He doesn't initiate any conversation with me, and when I try to he gives one word answers. It's like talking to the fucking wall. And seriously - I don't want to make it sound like he owes me, but I paid to get his plane ticket switched, and he borrowed $250 from me before he left...and hasn't paid me back. If he bothered to maintain our friendship I wouldnt be bothered, but now I feel like he just used me.

Urrg. My life.

I came out to the two girls at school who I'm close with. Obviously, they handled it like babies and facebook stalked people to try to get information. It was so irritating.

I talked to my very good British (VGBF) friend again today for a while. Basically, I miss him so much that it hurts, so talking to him is like an escape from the pain. He's still planning on coming to visit during break, so God-willing, it will happen. Already, though, I'm thinking about how tough it's going to be to say goodbye again. (BTW he recently updated his status on facebook to mention that he missed me).

I miss camp, too. I can't even describe it. If i could drop out of school today and go back to camp, I would. I would give anything to be at camp for my entire life, preferable with my VGBF.

I really want to leave the country. I'm thinking about possibly transferring into a school in the UK, but I think I might be too late for next school year and I definitely can't afford it... I just don't want to be in my school anymore. I'm at the point where I would even consider dropping out and becoming a medic at community college and then trying to move overseas. Maybe if I study abroad next year it will get this feeling out of me...I don't think so, though. I need to get out of this place.

I also want to go to England to visit, but I don't have the money for that. Maybe if I ask for money for Christmas and my birthday, I'll be able to go over between school-ending and camp-beginning.

IDK I'm done typing I think. I'll write more when I feel like it.

So today was dumb.
I had class all morning, then one in the afternoon.
I didn't talk to like anyone who I would have liked to talk to. That's a lie.
One of my friends from camp was texting me before. I'm waiting for her to get home to go on AIM so we can talk more indepth.

One of my friends is moving to an island-nation called Vanuatu. Apparently, in Vanuatu, they have under-water mailboxes and waterproof post cards.

My very good friend from England is going to try to visit during my Christmas break - I'm SO excited!

What else?

Tomorrow I have a two-and-a-half hour class that I have NO INTEREST in being in. I need to take it, technically - I think - but I'm pissed.

I've been studying/reading/doing homework all day. I don't know what else to do. I'm that bored.

I forgot...

So, I forgot about my blog. Oops. Honest mistake.

Now, I'm at college. I'm so bored that I needed something to do. So, I'm blogging.

Camp was seriously incredible. Probably later today I'll post some specific stories, but for now I'll go for a quick overview: I love inner city kids. I love the counselors/staff at the camp. I love the camp. I love the program of the camp. I love taking care of kids. It was a perfect fit.

Camp ended for me a week-and-a-half ago so I could pack for school and leave and stuff. I loved camp - if I could do it year-round, I totally would...and I would drop out of school to do it. I had to say goodbye to everyone at camp, which was really hard. The one person who I am still totally in love with, though, had a family emergency and needed to catch a plane back to England, so he came home with me that night so I could drive him to the airport. He, being a straight male, is not into me, but we still were really close. I'm like an emotional wreck over it, still. It's hard knowing that I'm never going to see him again, also.

So this college thing sucks. There is literally nothing to do. I real blogs all day. And eat. And sleep.

CAMP IS AWESOME!
I'm soooo happy.
That's really all I have to say - I am just in bliss!

OK, so this is my last post before I go to camp. I think I'm regretting the fact that I'm going to be leaving, but I'm also really anxious to get out of my house. Things are just starting to get good (the person who I really wanted to notice me has noticed me, and apparently isn't opposed) but I also need some change. Weird.

I am looking forward to being able to work with pediatric patients all summer - I like kids, and I really don't see many pediatric pts in EMS (which I consider a good thing cause I'd rather kids not get hurt). So I think this will be fun, challenging, and a good experience.

So, goodbye blog... until my day off, at least.

I just flipped out on the teller from my local bank. I tried to cash my graduation checks, and they wouldn't let me because, according to their records, I am a minor and therefore a parent or guardian must co-sign checks for me to get cash. That's ridiculous. Aside from the fact that I am not a minor (I am 18), the checks are made out to me, not my parents. I cashed $1,000 in checks the other day without a co-signature. I can get forcibly drafted into the Army (which I'm not necessarily opposed to), but I can't possibly cash a check, because that's just ridiculous. I can drive a two thousand pound motor vehicle which could literally kill tens of people, but cashing a check is just too much for me to handle. I can be employed, make my own money, and be completely self-sufficient, but I'm not allowed to use the money that I earn. I got in her face and was like "Princess, if you had an emergency, I could be the sole provider in the back of the ambulance. I'm allowed to have that much responsibility from the state, but you don't think I should be allowed to have my own money?" She told me she was going to call the police.

You know it's too hot in your house when you wake up dehydrated, simply because "sleeping" doesn't allow you to be drinking enough water. I think I might live in the only house in the modern world without central a/c. True story.


I am so ridiculously excited for camp! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Holy Shit Balls

It is hot out. We got an e-mail forwarded from our state's office of emergency management, and it said that the heat index is going to be at and above 105 degrees today and tomorrow. Yesterday, it was 102. Bad news.

Yesterday was Town Day and it sucked. It was so hot, and there was such a little turn out. I literally slept in the back of an ambulance for a large portion of the day.

I've also hung out with this kid who I like on Friday night, last night, and we were going to hang out today but they canceled. Story of my life.

Camp is in four days! I'm so excited. I'm all packed.

I am a crazy person.

I have been awake since 4 am. No real reason. Fucking fantastic.

The Loose Ends of My Life

Camp Starts In 6 Days!
There are two weeks of staff training, though. WTF?!? I really don't want to have to do all the real staff training, but whatever. I wish I got there three days early to organize the health lodge, talk with the medical director, and otherwise get ready.

I'm still excited about when the kids get there. I've been singing camp songs at the top of my lungs all week.

I really hope no one gets too hurt... obviously, some cuts and scrapes and the occasional bee sting is inevitable, but I'm really hoping that no kid gets too sick/hurt.

Luckily, my day off is going to be from 8p on Saturday to 8p on Sunday. That means I might be able to get out to the Rocky Horror Picture Show on a weekend and I will be able to ride my shift ever Sunday.

So my shift tomorrow - I don't know how its going to go. First of all, it's a big event in the town that I work in (herein called "Town"). So, they're expecting Town Day to draw in upwards of 20,000 people this year. It's going to be 94 degrees, and isolated thunder storms. Great. To top it off, I'll be running the calls for the town during the event, too - all five of our rigs (plus our heavy rescue and probably all three boats) will be there, but I'm on the duty crew on one of them, the others will sit there or be used as needed. So, with the way it goes, I'll either be there or not be there all day (because I either get back-to-back-to-back-times-seven calls in a shift, or nothing). Beyond that, even, it's Puerto Rican Day tomorrow. That means that its going to be IMPOSSIBLE to get to the trauma center (which is where we also bring the majority of the charity care patients as well as the cardiac pts, and any other really sick people), all because of the parade. So, this means we need to try to navigate around this nearby city to get to the hospital. That's a problem.

I went out for milkshakes at the diner last night with two people who I never really saw outside of school. It was actually really fun.

Damn you, Lap-Band

Of course, right after I posted how well my lap band is going, it goes south.
I have been PBing every time I eat anything since yesterday. I don't know why - I've been chewing very well, not been drinking while eating, and eating good food. WTF. The Great Spirit of LAGB hates me.

FYI "LAGB" is "laparoscopic adjustable gastric banding" in the fat people community

I graduated.

Despite my lack of presence, I graduated last night. Apparently they didn't get my message about not attending, because they still called my name and my sources tell me it was awkward.

Everyone keeps asking me how much I regret not going. I don't. I prefered to not go. I have no regret about that. Not going to prom on the other hand...

I guess I'll mention one more thing before I have to leave to go to the dentist:
I bought a new stethoscope, which I think I mentioned that I was stalking in a previous blog - the Kila Labs Single Head Stethoscope (which looks almost identical to the Littmann Master Cardiology). It's actually an awesome stethoscope. The tubing looks a little goofy because it's cross section is an oval rather then a circle (but the hole down the middle is still a circle, so IDK). All in all, it's acoustics are much more clear then my Littmann Classic II SE, and it's about 1/3 of the price of the Classic II SE... and about 1/10 of the price of the Master Cardiology. Although I have never used a Littmann Master Cardiology and cannot compare the two, this scope is definitely much better for my ears then the Classic II SE and the Select. I honestly don't know why our ambulances carry spragues when this scope is on the market for $25. Also, if you read this, take this review with a grain of salt. I'm an EMT who has tried to self-learn some of the basic points of heart sounds, so I'm no expert. I definitely think this scope is a good choice for EMTs, Medics, and probably most Nurses who will be using a scope for BPs, breath sounds, and maybe dabble into heart sounds.

That's all. I have to go to the dentist to get a filling.

Long day. 7 calls. 6 hour shift. Yeah.

Nothing to speak of, but one call brought upon an awkward situation.
We found a guy on the side of the road (he was AOx3). Suddenly, an old man pulls over asking if there is any need for a Catholic Priest. I guess it was a nice effort, but it was just so awkward.

It has been about 8 months since my lap-band surgery. In August, I wore size 40 pants.
I just put on a pair of jean shorts so I could run out, pull the patio umbrellas out of their tables, and cover the pool before the wind picked up (theres one hell of a storm coming, apparantly). I got back in, and changed out of my wet clothes. My shorts didn't look familiar (keep in mind, I just did a total cleaning of my room which hasn't really been done for four or five years). Where did these shorts come from? I looked at the tag. Size 36. They are from 8th grade. They fit. That felt good.

My shopping habit is kind of weird. I stalk things on the internet. Literally, stalk them. I'm stalking something new.

I've been stalking the Kila Single Head Stethoscope. The price is right, and everything I've seen online has been positive. I think I might actually buy it. I don't know why I just posted a blog about that.
This is the link: http://www.kila.com/specssingle.html

I don't even carry a stethoscope. My thought is that I'd use it at my camp. I might, actually.
I'm a loser.

WOOOOO I don't have to go to graduation! My parents aren't making me!
Life is good.

Oh...the other thing, I've been doing a lot of research on other assessments to make sure that I know what's going on with my kids at camp. I don't want to send kids to the doctor or hospital if they don't need to go. There's a lot of stuff out there. If you have any links, or assessment tips for anything (from ortho to internal med stuff) please post!

stupid, stupid, stupid....

I do stupid things all the time. I always make stupid choices.... but I rarely realize how stupid a choice is this soon.

For the past three months, I was kind of "on-the-fence" in terms of prom. I kinda wanted to be there, but I didn't want to go. I didn't want to deal with the drama, pay for a tux or limo, or have to find a place to stay down the shore (herein, dts). The straw that broke the camel's back was that I couldn't go with the person who I wanted to go with. If I could have gone with person-unknown, I totally would have gone. I wanted to be at prom and see everyone and experience it all. I wanted to be dts like a normal jersey kid. I had four or five people who I know would have gone with me at a moment's notice, and I would have had a lot of fun with...but I was stubborn - it wasn't the one person I wanted to go with, so I didn't go. I totally regret not going.

From the looks of it, I'll be able to do an advanced EMT-Critical Care closer to college next year. That's a step in the right direction - I'll be able to intubate, start IVs, etc. According to Wikipedia, it's basically comparable to Paramedic, without as many standing orders, and more of a need to establish online medical control. It's at least a good option, especially since I'm going to be a doctor in 7/8 years...I don't need to be a paramedic, I'd just like to have more ability to help people in the pre-hospital setting (which I intend to continue in as a physician)

Something I just read.

I can't find the link, now, but I was just reading about how some states are considering making freedom more accessible for prisoners to cut state spending. By getting people out of jail (through lessening sentences, making parole easier, etc), they save taxpayers money, theoretically. What about the taxpayers' safety?!?

This is how I feel: prisoners should spend their entire sentence with PUBLIC SAFETY, not economics, in mind. If that costs too much, then states should cut down the cost of providing that service to the community, not cut down on the service.

I feel like the current prison system takes responsibility away from the prisoner. If the prisoner wants cable TV or porno, then they should be responsible for paying for it, just like everyone else. I should not be supporting a prisoner's porn-addiction with my tax money. Just because a prisoner really likes to watch the Golden Girls doesn't mean I should have to pay for their cable bill. I understand that prisoners have rights, but why should someone who broke the law infringe on my rights? Fuck having air conditioning in prisons - the people who are paying for it don't even have a/c in their houses! What? The prisoner can't afford their own cable or air conditioning?!? TOUGH SHIT - they should have thought about that before they broke the law!
So now all of our other state-programs (such as education, etc) should suffer, along with our taxes?

I really don't understand.

Update

It's not going to work out.

I need to keep looking.

It's not as flexible as I was hoping, because they still make you check in tri-weekly to do hands-on stuff (which I think is much needed, but I was hoping that it would be able to be done at a closer hospital that would sponsor me for the eventual field work.)

Maybe I'm looking on the wrong side of the border. I should find something closer to my college (in NY) to do, since my reciprocity for EMT-B is currently in the works. If only the state of NY didn't make it so difficult to find training opportunities in that particular area!

Medic61 is awesome.

Medic61 (aka the only person who reads my blog) posted a comment on my last post about how if it's meant to be, it'll happen...or something.
I read the comment. Out loud, I yelled "bullshit!" and I walked away. No more then 10 minutes later, I checked my e-mail. There's an e-mail from a community college in South Jersey (about two hours away). Oh shitballs, I thought, I'm not going to goddamn community college two hours from my house... I'm already going to a four-year college in NY. I was going to just delete it, but I accidentally missed the little check-box thing and the e-mail opened. The e-mail talked about this opportunity that this particular college has to take PARAMEDIC classes online (for the classroom based classes, which is like two classes), then the ones that require that I be on campus during the summer. How sweet is that?
I definitely have to look into it, because its a two hour drive... but Medic61 is like a prophet or something.

The pickle on the shit-sandwich of life...

My search for a way to get paramedic training is not going so well. No wonder there is a paramedic shortage - you have to jump hurdles just to get into training.

The four programs in my state don't offer classes during the summer. I really can't even explain how I feel.... it's a cross between feeling like someone just died and feeling like I was going to die. It's something that has been my dream since forever...I thought I'd be able to do it since I am going to have summers off from college. That was the plan. I'd get my paramedic cert in college, be ready for medical school, then become a doctor AND medic (for professional, personal, and sentimental reasons).

I'd give anything if there was an online program that let me take the classroom classes online, but then let me do the clinical/practical stuff at a hospital or MICU. I know, the general feelings about introducing online education into EMS is really bad, but I want this so badly that it wouldn't matter how sucky the program was... I'd study myself into a coma and take awesome care of patients. That's really all I want.

Ask me about my day...

Well, the gut feeling wasn't anything as bad as I was anticipating. There were a lot of little things that were a little not-fun for me, though.

I had my first HIV positive patient today. I know - I don't know how I've dodged that bullet until now, but I did. That's all I'm saying about this particular patient. As a quick disclaimer, I have nothing against HIV+ people and I've always thought it was kind of gross how people treat those infected in some sub-human sort of way. The call went without incident... it was really a good call. It was kind of weird, though, to deal with someone whose bloody tissues could infect you with a disease that could ultimately kill you. It was definitely a weird experience.

I also had to stair-chair someone down stairs today. To other EMS professionals, that wouldn't sound like a problem. On small amounts of sturdy stairs, it isn't usually a problem. But, I have climicaphobia. I'm afraid of stairs...not deathly so, but certain types of stairs (steep ones, narrow ones, long stairs, and the stairs that you can see what's under you through the backs being open or there being holes to allow water drainage) make me anxious and I avoid them at all cost. Unfortunately, this patient was on the second story and there was no elevator. Bad news bears. Luckily I made it without freaking out... I held it in until I got home when I got in my room and I threw myself down in the ground and SCREAMED while waving my arms and legs like a crazy person. I needed to get it out.

I found out today that a patient I previously cared for coincidently got caught with child porn. What a douche bag. And he complained when the medics couldn't find a vein. He said that they were treating him like a "pin cushion." Bro, you deserve so much worse then a couple of 18 gauge needles in your arm.

As a disclaimer, any anecdotes in this blog are stories that have merely been based on real life experiences; there is no true identifying information - it has either been changed, or excluded from the story to protect the privacy of my patients. If the described patients sound like anyone (alive or deceased), then it is merely a coincidence that occurs because most health problems that I encounter are very common. The opinions expressed in this blog are mine; they in no way represent protocol in my area, the views of my certifying agency, or anyone/thing else. Don't be stupid.

one more thing...

Oh...one more thing.

For posterity's sake, I should document that I officially began cleaning my room. Not like the straightening up kind of cleaning... but the moving stuff around and into bags with the anticipation of camp AND college coming soon! In reality, I think I'm just making a huge mess. I'm cleaning EVERYTHING, then sorting it and putting it in bags to get it out of my room. When it's all out, I'll move the heavy stuff to do a real good vacuuming job. Then, the bags of summery stuff will be unpacked into my room to use until camp starts, while the bags of winter stuff get stored in my closet to be taken to school.

I seriously moved a lot around today. I found so many things that I totally forgot about, which was cool. I was hoping to find my Petzl head lamp from a few years ago... I loved that thing. Unfortunately, it wasn't here, so I'm going to have to buy one for camp. I'm thinking I'll get the Petzl E+Lite... I like the looks/functionality of it a lot.

Well, it's summer (for me, at least).

I've been online shopping for camp-stuff a lot. I'm praying that my credit card bill gets lost in mail or something... because I've bought a lot of crap and I can't afford any of it!

Oh and I'm watching Tila Tequila on MTV. There's a contestant from a nearby town whose occupation is listed as a "transportation executive." What the hell is a transportation executive? It sounds remarkably like "Bus Driver." I might be wrong.

Now the reason for this post - I'm dreading my shift tomorrow and here's why:

-First of all, during my shift is a work detail to get everything clean and ready for the Memorial Day Parade. Now, I love remembering our fallen soldiers as much as the next guy, but I'm not looking forward to being the probie that has to clean those ambulances and the rescue truck.

-Second of all, everyone's going to ask if I'm going to the Memorial Day parade. I'm not... but I don't want to tell them why. The reason is that I don't want to. I think I might tell them that I just don't have my uniform tie. That's a better reason, right? I didn't think so...

-Lastly, I just have a bad feeling about it. I don't know why, I just do. Maybe its because it's MDW and I anticipate that being a problem. IDK...but when I have one of my gut feelings, it's usually pretty accurate.

I added two new blogs to the blog roll. Medic 61 writes two awesome blogs that I read for the first time today...I'm already hooked. If anyone actually reads my blog, you should check hers out.

So I decided on college today. ::drumroll::
BS/DO program. The end.

The program in Kansas City has still failed to get back to me with the financial aid stuff (I literally have checked online every few hours)...so I'm just giving up on that.

I'm hoping that during the summers/winters I'll be able to do the Paramedic classes as a community college (I need to see if they even run the medic classes in the summer) this way I'm still getting some form of patient contact and I'm doing something that I really want to do (rather then just sitting in a lab and doing biology for four years). I'm using a lot of parenthesis. I think I might be pissed off about this college situation, but I'm trying to make the best of it.

Today I told a friend of mine about this crazy love-crush on this other kid in my grade I've had for the past few years. Apparently, I hid it well. It felt good to get it out, but it made me realize how final this high school graduation is going to be... I'm never going to see either of them again. ever. ever.

Summer is already here, which is good and bad. I have a job working at a camp (I'm not sure if I posted about this already). I'm going to be the EMT at a big camp. I don't even know what to expect, but I think it should be fun - and a little bit awkward. I'm glad to be back at a camp, though... I loved the camp I used to work at, but the political bullshit ended up making me quit in a horribly-planned fit which I very much regret.

I kinda want an otoscope. But they're so much money. Meh.

End of School

OK so yesterday was my last day of school. I didn't think I was going to really care...but I do.

I haven't been able to sleep - I just keep playing different things through my head: memories, thoughts of the embarrassing crushes that never turned into anything, people I wish I had talked to, people I wished I hadn't talked to, people I still need to make things right with, and then, of course, the realization that I'm never going to see ANY of those people again.

It's depressing, really. Especially since I didn't realize that I cared until now.

I don't even know what to do. Do I try to keep in touch with people who I only saw in school anyways? I feel like I already miss them, but they have more important stuff to do then to go our of their ways to deal with me, anyways. Fuck.

Urrg.

Update

Ok, so this is a week of "lasts."
Last of each class.
Last AP tests.
Last time seeing most of the people in my class ever.
The list goes on...

I'm really screwed, to be honest. For those of you with a pulse, you know how bad the economy is... this is a big problem for me. My family can't afford to send me to the college that I want to go to, and the economy is so bad that we can't even get the loans to pay for it. What do I do? I'm at the point where I'd consider doing community college and becoming a Paramedic... but I don't want to be a paramedic when I grow up. I want to be a doctor. Particularly, in 6 years. I just don't understand why this happens. I'm not a bad kid. Why is college (especially this one, for out of state students) so expensive? I wish I wanted to be something that didn't cost so much. I don't get why my dreams are so much closer to "impossible to fulfill" than other people's, in terms of factors beyond my control. I know what you're thinking: "Get a job, kid." I've had a summer job every year... we're talking over fifty-three thousand a year, for six years for this college - no kid my age can afford that. Not one. It's impossible. I don't even get why I tried to get in to this school. I'm so naive. I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it, but I got my hopes up and told myself that I'd find a way for it to happen. I'm a idiot.

Now, you'd think my parents would have told me that, right? They didn't. I'm not even sure if my mom knows what the name of the school is. Neither of them want anything to do with this college thing. It pisses me off.

When it becomes official that I can't afford it (like when the paperwork is actually in my hands), then I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. It's so late, now, that I've pretty much lost my chances at ANY college other than community college. The whole system is stupid. Maybe I can become a hermit. Or join the peace corps. Or both. I think I've had two readers ever on this blog, so if either of you are out there, please leave a comment with a suggestion of what I should do with my life.

Today was my last day of gym class. Ever. Amen.

Tomorrow is my AP Chem test. Kill me now. I have to learn Chemistry before tomorrow - it's not going to happen.

I'm considering offering small animal sacrifices to the Great Spirit of medical school loans.

Tonight's Grey's Anatomy Episode

Yes, I'm a nerd. I'm almost crying from this episode. I know. I was probably dropped on my head as a small child.

In other news, I'm still in the same place in terms of college. I have no idea. And, the pickle on that shit-sandwich is that its super hard to find a job when I don't know when I'll be around this summer... But I think I may have found a job. I'm happy with it as long as I don't have to screw them over by needing to leave early, etc.

I need something to do with my life. I was looking for some way to volunteer or work overseas. I've actually had a recurring dream of EMT-ing in Darfur. Weird. But I think I'd be a good over-seas volunteer - I'm a quick learner and I work well under pressure. Unfortunately, every opportunity makes you pay like three thousand dollars. How stupid.

More College Bull$hit

This whole paying-for-college thing is stupid.
My parents didn't realize that people use loans until like last night, so there is even MORE hope for dream school.

I don't think I ever defined what "dream school" is. It is a 6 year BA/MD program out in the mid-west. I actually worked/apprenticed at a bakery near that school two summers ago, and I fell in love with Kansas City (I tried to be non-specific, but I can't help myself)! Ever since, I've wanted to move into that city. When I found out that there was a way for me to become a physician in 6 years, without jumping through all of the traditional hoops, it became my dream. I love the city, I love the school, I love the people, but I don't love the price. As an out-of-state student, we're literally talking about over $20,000 per semester (two per year), plus over $10,000 for the summer semester (one per year)...for 6 years. Yes, that means a MINIMUM of $300,000 for 6 years; that does not include any other living expenses, or even the costs of plane tickets home.

But, my parents are willing to at least explore the options of loans a little bit more. Granted, they probably won't even qualify for ANY loans...but it's still nice that they seem to support me (which they've never seem to have done before). The best case scenario is that I get the loans I need (which would need to be all in my name), and be paying off almost a million dollars over the next thirty years.

My parents really don't think it can be done. I personally believe that when people genuinely want something, the universe conspires to help them get what they want. I'm probably completely naive. Wish me luck.

Transfer Post From My Old Blog: My Personal List of "Things Not To Do," Inspired by EMS

As a disclaimer, I am not your health care provider. I don't even know you. If you're having a medical emergency, initiate emergency services as is appropriate where you live (typically, call 9-1-1). If it's not an emergency, talk to your physician. The below anecdotes are fictional stories that have merely been based on real life experiences; there is no identifying information - it has either been changed, or excluded from the story. The below opinions are mine; they in no way represent protocol in my area, the views of my certifying agency, or anyone/thing else. Don't be stupid.

Dear World,
Please:

• Don't let your child decide that, if the seat belt is uncomfortable, they can take it off... especially while you're driving while talking on your cell phone. You just might drift into oncomming traffic, and your kid might end up hitting the windshield.
  
• Don't talk/text on your cell phone when you're supposed to be driving. What you're talking about might become more important then you controlling that 2,000 lb car that you're driving.
• Don't take a hit of _____ (drug of choice) before going out to Burger King to get a cheese burger at 8:00 am. You will get in to an accident, and you will not get your cheeseburger (plus, BK doesn't serve lunch until 10:00am).
• Like wise, don't tell me you didn't take a hit of your drug of choice. Your pupils, a quick exam, and the syringe on the floor of your car are dead give-a-ways.
  
• If you have to call 9-1-1 for the cut you just got as you drunkenly/highly fell on broken beer bottles at 7 am, make sure your dealer and friends know that if they run when then officer gets on scene, the officer might get suspicious.
  
• Don't forget to take your medicine, oh CHF patient. It will kill you.
• If you were just in an accident, and are now having chest pain, don't call your bitchy/manipulative wife to see if she thinks that you should go to the hospital. Go. It's your life we're talking about, and your clock is ticking.
• Don't drive without your seatbelt on. Furthermore, when you get into a bad accident and I ask you why your seatbelt isn't on, don't tell me that its your choice. You are driving on a town/county/state/federally-owned road; the law is the law. It's not your right to take your seatbelt off when that obligates me to clean up the mess that will ensue.
  
• I'm an 18 year old volunteer. I want to help you. Don't yell at me.
  

Confessions of A Coffee Addict

It is currently somewhere near 6 o'clock... this is the time I wake up to go to school usually. Unfortunately, I have about three hours of sleep under my belt right now. Why? Here it goes...

When I get stressed, I drink a lot of coffee. A lot of coffee. Lots. Yesterday, I had nine cups of wonderful hazelnut coffee. I feel asleep somewhere near 2:30 this morning. Oops. So right now, I have something similar to a coffee hangover. I am tired, cranky, and I truly believe that the coffee is seeping through my pores.

Am I even awake right now?

MD for ME?

Whaddup, blog?
Ok, so I'm still holding on to hope that the BA/MD dream school that I got in to is still a viable option. I talked to the financial aid people today and they said that they're mailing out the financial aid packages soon. Hopefully, between federal and private money, I can loan out ALL of the money that I need so I can go to this program. It would really mean so much to me if I could. I know I sounded into that BS/DO program, but that was me settling. I was happy with it, as a second choice. Right now, though, I have a chance at my first choice. If you're into that sort of thing, say a prayer, please. Or at least channel some positive energy in my direction. Send some good vibes? You can meditate on it. Or light a candle for me? You can make a point of stating your trust in the natural order of the universe, and hope that it's in my favor. You can cast a spell or even offer a small non-animal sacrifice... I'm easy to get along with.

Today, school was pointless. We had mass (school mass is stupid) and shortened classes (which we did nothing in), and then we had a preview of the school play (which sucked). School mass is so irreverent, boring, and I just don't like it. Shortened classes are a waste of my time. The people in the school musical suck - none of them have the voice to be singing on stage. But at least they try? Bullshit. They can try all they want, I just shouldn't have to listen to it. What a mess.

I'm also very glad to say that 6yearmed is back! I was worried! She actually just graduated from the above mentioned dream school. And I met her, in person, at my interview but was too shy to say anything. I should have gotten her autograph.

Well, I think I'm done. Peace out.

6YEARMED?!?

6year med, where are you?!? I miss your blog. Please come back. Please.

GAH!

I just got an e-mail - I just got accepted into my dream school... after I sent in the deposit to the other school.
Unfortunately, I can't afford that dream school, so it's not even an option. It's just frustrating that I got in, but it can't happen. I just hope that maybe there's some way of being able to pay for it. URG.

Update.

AHHHH NEW GREY'S ANATOMY IS ON IN EIGHT MINUTES!
I'm definitely posting a re-cap to the episode either later tonight or tomorrow.

So my life.
Right now is crunch time for APs which sucks ass. Chemistry...no idea. Language...my teacher sucks. Seriously, I don't understand Chem. My language teacher has been trying to be popular all year, and hasn't taught us ANYTHING about the English language. I only have 16 days of school left.

Oh well. I'm accepted into college already. My AP scores don't matter, right?

The camp I thought I was working for has still not sent me the contract that they said they would (they sent out one, but it needed to be changed). I don't know what to think - I really want to work there, but I feel like I'm being a huge problem with them because I need to take off for college orientation, and I need to leave almost three weeks early for school.

Right now I'm in this ridiculous 6th-grade-girl mood thats a result of a major crush. I know, I'm pathetic... but I kind of like it.

Anyways, I'm giving a tour of my first aid squad tomorrow for my school's medical club that is specifically for people who are looking to pursue a career in health care. Unfortunately, I think like six kids are going for this tour. How pathetic am I? Furthermore, I can almost promise that I screw it up. I will absolutely post if it goes down the tubes.

OK - I have to go watch Grey's!

4/15

I have a huge microbiology test tomorrow that I really haven't studied for... and I'm blogging.

Today, my ethics class was discussing things like global warming, and "going green." I personally believe that this warming is just part of the cycle of the Earth - we experience warmings, coolings, and ice ages. That's history. I wish we'd talk about things that were actually ethical problems, but we don't.

24 Days of Senior Year Left!


OK, well, I'm going to study now. I'll be back later to complain about something.

Today

Well, today was kinda stupid.

It was pretty much a boring day. Until gym class. A kid who I really like walked around the field with me (we were with a group) and talked to me and I got super excited...I think I'm secretly a sixth grade girl. Whatever.

My inner monologue at the moment is a long, involved discussion with myself about college. I could go to the college mentioned in my last post. I like it... I do. The only thing is, I have four years of working on a biology degree. I like biology, but I love medicine... and I have to wait at least six years before I'm practicing any type of medicine with this route. I love the undergrad school, and the medical school is also really nice. I've already been to two or three events at the undergrad school, so I even feel comfortable up there. After eight (or seven, depending on how I play my cards) years, I'd be an osteopathic physician.

Option two is as follows: another, closer-by college has a four year Physician Assistant program. I've never even visited this school (although a family member advised me against going there because he didn't like the school), but the cost is the same for the undergrad portion of Option A with scholarships factored in. After only two years, I'd begin clinical work, and after only four years I could be a certified Physician Assistant. The salary would be [very] good, I could be in virtually any area of medicine, and the lifestyle would be much easier. Afterwards, if my grades were good enough and I scored high enough on the MCAT, I could apply to Medical Schools if I felt like it.

So let's look at the "pros:"

Option A (BS/DO):

• My patients would get the care of a fully trained physician when we interacted, not a mid-level (this is one of the most important points, in my book... patient care)
• I'd get to be a physician when it was all said and done. A real doctor. The kind I've always wanted to be (there are emotional/sentimental "pros" to that, as well as practical ones [like being able to practice medicine independently, etc.])
• I love both schools (undergrad and the medical school)
• I could pick to go to the med school campus in Florida - this would be a good chance to travel and see another part of the country before I start working
• There's something huge, to me, about being able to say that I'm going to be a physician.
  
• This might be what I want, deep down

Option B (BS in Physician Assistant):

• I'd be a Physician Assistant, an advanced clinician who could do much of the same things as a physician, without the headache of becoming a DO/MD
• I'd be in and out and working in four years... at a great salary, with an awesome life style, and the ability to still go to medical school
• I could work in any area of medicine, without needed to do a residency (unless I wanted to)
• I'd get clinical experience faster
• It just makes more sense, for concrete reasons (like money and time) which, although are not the most important to me, are still important to take in to consideration
  

And now the "cons:"

Option A:

• No clinical medicine for 6 years
• It would take 8 years, plus a residency, before I was really employable
• I'd have to maintain a 3.5 and score "satisfactorily" on the MCAT to go on to the Medical School (if I don't keep it up, I'd be a nobody with a BS in bio)
• Having a BS in Bio is stupid... but I could always go on to a Masters in Physician Assistant Study or do a BSN, or get my paramedic certificate and still probably be happy - if I don't make the grade, that is
• The school is in the middle of nowhere
• In the end, I'd be in CRAZY debt (although the Medical School is the cheapest in the country, or at least close to it)... I'd need to find a way to pay for eight years of school
  

Option B:

• I don't even know if I like the school - I've never even been to it
  
• I wouldn't be a physician at the end of it - my future patients would be cared for by a PA, not a DO... am I ok (ethically) with knowing that they could be getting better care from someone else?
  
• If I enjoyed being a PA and didn't go to Medical School immediately afterwards, I don't know that I'd ever get around to it - what if I ended up regretting that?
  
• If I enjoyed being a PA for a while, then decided to go to medical school afterwards (as a non-traditional applicant), would I get in? would I fit in if I got in? would I be able to put my life on hold to achieve my dream of being a physician?
• Certification as a PA is kind of complicated (it needs to be renewed, etc.)

I thought this would help make the decision... it didn't.

First Post on This Blog!

So, this is it. I've decided to close my four other blogs and make my one blog of just ME. Here it is. I figure I can probably talk about those different facets of me that come together to create my blog title and why "one title cannot cover it."

Well, I'm an EMT and that's just the first step to my life in medicine. I really feel like it's my purpose. I love being an EMT, and I was just accepted in to a BS/DO program... so in 7 or 8 years, I'm going to be a physician. Hopefully, I'll get a paid job which will allow me to have some patient contact in the context of making some money. I doubt it will happen in the near future... a lot of people are just really uncomfortable with having an 18 year old taking care of people. That's life.

As you may have picked up from that last paragraph, I'm also a student. That's a major part of my life, for obvious reasons. In the fall, I'm starting at a college about six hours from my home (well... five-and-a-half) which might be too close for my liking. The Medical School I've gotten accepted in to has a campus in Erie, PA as well as Bradenton, FL... I get to pick... I'm excited about that. I'm majoring in Biology; a lot of people say that they're either a "science person" or an "art/language person". I'm neither. I love how the biological sciences can be practiced in a artful and humanistic way. I know that sounds corny... welcome to my life.

I'm also very religious - not in the "in your face" kind of way that gets on everyone's nerves... but I just am very effected by my beliefs which I allow to be founded in faith. I guess I should consider myself more "spiritual," because my outlook differs from the organized religion that I claim to be a part of (at least the modern practice of that religion). Personally, the way that I interpret the teachings of the Bible and the Tradition of the Roman Catholic Church is very different then a large part of the Church does. I see the messages of it all as loving, peace-making, and all-inclusive. I won't get in to that...yet, but you will pick up on how I feel in future posts.

I earned the rank of Eagle Scout in the Boy Scouts of America. Notice I don't call myself an Eagle Scout. I refuse to associate myself with an organization which claims to stand for a number of moralistic ideals, but still rejects members based on sexuality and/or creed. I believe in Scouting... not in discrimination. This is the basic gist of how I feel.

I had weight loss surgery in August. I've lost about 50 pounds since then. Unfortunately, the weight loss has almost stopped, and I'm still fat. I need to start exercising, which had never really been important to me... but now I'm at the point where I want to start letting that be important.

I have a lot of secrets. You'll figure them out as long as you keep reading (please do)!